Written by Charlie D. Nowhere
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Sunday, 6 June 2010

The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed today the identity to be that of Different Strokes star Gary Coleman, 42, and is considering his death an intercranial hemorrhage.

For days local residence thought Gary Coleman was actually the fecal remains of the majestic California Grey Whale and considered it a sign of the endangered mammal's comeback in its native coastal waters.

"We had high hopes ," said beach-goer Andrew Hornsbee, "I mean the California Grey is a cherished and beloved symbol. It had been a long time since any sign of the whale, and then the piece of shit was seen floating just north of the pier. We were all so relieved."

The fecal matter was first spotted last Tuesday and had become a major attraction as tourists and locals alike celebrated each night by singing songs and getting drunk on the pier.

Then, this morning, as divers sent from a local museum tried to gather the specimen for preservation, the disappointing discovery was discovered.

"As the divers pulled it onto the shore it became painfully obvious to all that it was actually Gary Coleman," continued a spokesman for the L.A.P.D.

"Today is the saddest day of my life." said a spokesman for the environmental group Save The Grey. "Fucking Gary Coleman."

"It was so sad," said another beach-goer, Helen Graham, "when his identity was confirmed I started to cry. I loved that piece of shit. We all loved that piece of shit."

A call to Gary Coleman was not returned.

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