At Tony Hayward's press conference this morning, no one expected what they were about to hear. Mr. Hayward opened the session by quoting from the Robert Browning poem, "Grow old with me, the best is yet to be."
As reporters looked at each other in surprise, Mr. Hayward continued:
"I have an announcement to make this day that will change the way we look at the world. The oil gusher that we are encountering in the Gulf of Mexico is actually the long lost Fountain of Youth that Ponce de Leon searched for almost five hundred years ago. What we now know, and some of us in the UK have known for over one hundred years, is that the Fountain of Youth is quite close to where Ponce de Leon knew it would be, right off of the Florida coast."
As reporters reached for their cell phones and other attendees gasped in disbelief, Hayward continued.
"The oil gusher in the gulf IS IN FACT, the long lost and sought after, Fountain of Youth! It is our gift to the Colonies!"
An aide was seen whispering in Hayward's ear.
"Oh yes, I meant to say the United States of America."The fact is that for over one hundred years, a relatively few of us in the UK have known of the benefits of one of the earth's greatest gifts," he paused for effect and then said dramatically, "OIL! And I am here as a living example. I am, in fact, one hundred thirty years old and have not changed in appearance or bodily functions for over one hundred years! My mother drank oil all of her life, breast fed me out of the one that was labeled High Test, and I am living proof, that indeed, oil is the Fountain of Youth."
The crowd sat in stunned silence, as Hayward finished his remarks.
"So we are here to give this priceless gift to America and at a price everyone can afford for eternal life. We will be billing for it shortly, as the oil starts flowing from America's faucets." He smiled and looked beatifically at the assembled. He ended dramatically; "we are all Ponce de Leon's this day!"
A reporter shouted out to Hayward as he left the podium, "Tony, what now, that you have changed the world?" Hayward replied, "Going on a quiet vacation with the Missus, just the two of us on the yacht, free from the care and worry that we have hidden for so long. She's been saying for over one hundred romantic years that she prefers," he paused, gave a wink to the reporter and said, "paying at the pump."