ABERDEEN, South Dakota - After dozens of out-of-control in-house fighting skirmishes a faction of the infamous Tea Bag Party has broken off from the main blob and formed a new more forward moving sphincter group called The Diet Tea Bag Party.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I was pretty sure that Abel had meant to write splinter instead of sphincter. So I mentioned it to him and he replied that the word was written correctly since he was alluding to a journalistic Freudian slip. He did say that the italics served as concrete verification of his intended desire.]
The new ex-Tea Bag Party group has vowed to become devoted to more down-to-earth issues.
Some of these issues include do most people truly prefer 'paper or plastic,' and why is it that not too many people really know what the hokey pokey is all about.
Another pressing issue that will be brought to the front burner is finding out just exactly who the hell it was who left the cake out in the rain, in the Richard Harris song "MacArthur Park."
The new more youth-oriented Diet Tea Bag Party will be headed by Skippy Cricketbluff, 37, an unemployed sky writer from Cheyenne, Wyoming.
Cricketbluff said that the situation just simply reached the point where there was just way too much bickering, arguing, and menopausalesque utterances going on in the Tea Bag Party.
He laughed and added that he also got tired of the constant smell of Ben-Gay, Compound W, and Preparation H permeating throughout the meeting rooms, halls, auditoriums, and arenas where the Tea Baggers met.
So he and about 27 percent of the Tea Bag members just decided to, as they say in Forth Worth, skedaddle.
Cricketbluff said that he was named the executive director of The Diet Tea Bag Party and he then turned around and named his longtime bosomy girlfriend, Holly Scratchwax, 32, to be the party's assistant executive director.
Skippy, or the Skipster, as his girlfriend Holly refers to him, said that regarding the notion that any Democrat office holders who lose their seats in the upcoming elections will simply refuse to give up said seats is going to be foremost on their agenda.
As Assistant Executive Director Holly Scratchwax, (38-24-36) stated, "We will spend every graphic fiber of our being, internal as well as external to see that our brand new, fine-looking organization stays focused and executes every drawn up play in our illustrated playbook of seat transitioning."
Miss Scratchwax went on to say that the members of The Diet Tea Bag Party, will show America and the world that we are not just going to roll over and give up like a lot of this years NBA teams have done in the NBA finals.
She continued by saying that The Diet Tea Bag Party will not be talked down to like the mean bullying Simon "The Sultan of Sarcasm" Cowell does to the American Idol wannabees.
She then pointed out that the DTPB will certainly not come anywhere near to acting like the silly looking, tattooed cycle chick ho's who made up Jesse James menagerie of libido lusting lapette mamas.
Holly noted that we are all Americans, well except for seven Tea Baggers, who would kinda sorta fall under the illegal alien banner, but she did stress that they speak understandable English, they work hard, and they hate food stamps, free cheese, and free gas money.
Scratchwax giggled and then added that they will (however) draw the line at free tickets to a George Lopez comedy concert.
The new Diet Tea Bag Party will be based in The Frozen Snowman Building in Aberdeen, South Dakota. To learn more about this very refreshing young bunch of Americans (except for the aforementioned seven) log on to www.dietteabagpartyrocks.hot
This is a follow up article to one which was written by my good friend and esteemed colleague Frankie The J who resides in West Virginia. -AR