The Onion, America's premier satire and humor newspaper shocked the literate world today by publishing an absolute true story(!!!) in an issue.
We will take a pause now to let you catch your breath from the shock...
OK, that was long enough.
The US's flagship smart-ass site today reported on several newsworthy incidents that really truly happened. On page two the Great O reported on a woman who, about to take a snort of cocaine found that the powder formed a perfect picture of the Virgin Mary. The woman, however, was a devout Buddhist (except for snorting cocaine) and snorted it up anyway. Had this story been a mere fantasy from the ever creative minds of the Onion staff it would have been hilarious, but since it was a mere reportage of a real happening it just ends up being creepy since we always thought that Buddhists were holier than us and wouldn't snort up a picture of the Virgin Mary even if it was of another religion.
In another article on page 5 the ever intrepid Onion tells of a man who milks minks for fun and profit. Again, this would have been funny, especially since they could have made up a humorous headline such as: "Man Milks Minks Manually And Makes A Mint" because it would be a good tongue twister, but because it is true it just comes out sad because you know the guy isn't going to get more than a gallon of the stuff even if he milks all day and you know that the minks must have really sore tits from his pulling on them with his huge fingers. It just doesn't work somehow.
A third article tells of how a mermaid who was accidentally caught up in tuna nets and got canned caused the entire tuna industry to shut down until they could print "mermaid free" labels on their cans. This ends up being really depressing because you think of this really beautiful mermaid getting minced up like any ordinary chicken of the sea and it makes you want to become a vegetarian.
Loyal Onion readers have deluged the editor with letters of outrage and disappointment:
"How could you do this to us?" stated Earl Bigglesbottom of Wolfmaul, North Dakota. "We come to the Onion for a laugh and a jest and you hit us with reality. If I wanted reality I'll just wander out to the highway and let myself get hit by a semi."
"I came expecting satire and got hit in the gut with regular news. I can get that from Fox News... well actually, Fox is a form of fantasy in itself....lets say NBC or CNN. The world is too weird. I always came to the Onion for a take on life that made me feel normal and you let me down. Cancel my subscription... oh wait a minute.. you are free anyway, aren't you?"
The reader backlash has been so strong that the Onion is contemplating a reorganization and reinventing themselves as a publication called "The Kumquat".
Writers for other humor websites like The Spoof immediately launched a tirade of humorous abuse against The Onion in revenge for having been rejected by them so many times.