In their latest attempt to stop the oil leak off the Louisiana coast, BP have recruited Angelina Jolie. Previous attempts have involved using robot divers, giant plugs, industrial size sanitary towels and trained starfish.
A BP spokesman said, "We chose Ms Jolie because she has the talent and the lips for the job. There is a hard steel pipe down there spurting out gallons of hot sticky oil every second, and we need a woman who can handle that kind of discharge."
He continued, "We are going to put her in a skin-tight diving suit, send her down there and let her loose on this thick repeating emission. We're confident that after a few minutes with her, it'll run out of juice and will be spent of its load."