In a closing remark at a press conference over the Memorial Day weekend, Tony Hayward, CEO of the Bp Corporation declared, "I want my life back." Reaction was immediate across the USA as tens of thousands gathered to mourn the loss of Tony Hayward's life. The reaction was spontaneous and heartfelt.
Reports are coming in from across the country of church bells ringing, town hall meetings, and groups of citizens of all races, religions, and sexual persuasions gathering to help Mr. Hayward in his grief-stricken moment. "We feel for Tony," said Anthony Gabreau, a fisherman in Louisiana. "We are all BP'ers today," he continued, "and we are here for Tony."
Most of the sympathy for Mr. Hayward came from the people on the Gulf Coast. Children were making get well cards for Hayward and bringing their piggy banks and food stamps to school to forward on to the beleaguered executive. Even President Obama, who had been quite critical of Hayward, said, "Tony is welcome here at the White House any time. He and his Mrs. can stay in the Lincoln Bedroom for a few days until he feels better. Hot cocoa, a back rub from Rahm, and TLC will do the trick every time. We all know he has been through a lot."
Reports from the rest of the country indicate that concern for Mr. Hayward is growing as oil is starting to come out of faucets from Alabama to Minnesota. "We are family," said Olaf Guntman of Duluth Minnesota. "We all want Tony to know that we feel his pain."
In related news, Lloyd Blankfein, Chairman of the Board of Goldman Sachs, issued the following statement: "We all know what Tony is going through. Believe me, this kind of glare and undeserved criticism is something we here on Wall Street know all about. My wife has to take the jet to a country club in an undisclosed location just to play a set of tennis. We have to put on a disguise just to go to the yacht and my son at Exeter is staying in his room all day just looking at his gold coin collection and playing with his diamond studded penis ring. It's not been easy for any of us!"
Today, in Baton Rouge, eleven grieving elderly couples called a press congerence. Their statement reads simply "We want our childs life back."