Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 2 June 2010

image for Cantankerous Contractions Prevent Loss of Prom Night Virginity
Your Hottie Prom Date Has Few Verbal Surprises for You

While teenagers around the U.S. prepare for the end of the regular school year, the onset of an annual Prom night event promises to yield a new set of challenges to those young lovers anxious to get their first 15 second sexual experience out of the way.

Sponsored by the Christian Alliance Against Prom Night Premarital Sexual Activity or CAAPNPSA, press conferences and news releases hit the airwaves last night in an attempt to curb the urge to fornicate. Chairwoman for the CAAPNPSA, Anita Likmann says, "We know those boys are products of the devil, and our dear young daughters only need to remember a few carefully placed contractions to curb the urge to, dare I say, touch each other." Likmann quickly made the sign of the cross declaring, "Forgive me Jesus".

Example phrases were offered by Likmann as a means to demonstrate the effectiveness of a carefully placed, albeit untruthful contraction.

  • "I haven't gotten the results back from my HIV test yet"
  • "Weren't you supposed to bring the condoms, and the vaginal foam?"
  • "What do you mean you're only packing 6 inches?"
  • "I could've or would've been interested in you if you drove a Porsche"
  • "I shouldn't have sex again until I stop dripping from Chad"
  • "You must've eaten manure for lunch because your breath smells like shit"


Other parents around the US are joining the fight, calling for even more information exchange at church and in the school. "We want everyone to know about our cause and of course, the phrases that curb desire", says Likmann. One reporter asked, "So if everybody knows about the secret contractions and phrases, everyone will also know that it's a scam, right? Us boys aren't that smart, but we're not that dumb either." Likmann quickly replied, "Then you better get used to contractions of a different variety, smart guy, like those of the Braxton Hicks variety, now those are cantankerous".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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