BAY ST. LOUIS, Mississippi - President Obama was speaking at a convention of The Amalgamated Mississippi Delta Shrimp Shuckers Union, and told the assembled group that he wanted to put a stop to the rumor that is running rampant across the entire nation.
He started giggling but quickly gained his composure and remarked. "Say now. Lissen up y'all. Lemmy squash da rumor right here and now 'bout me giving da word ta use dat no account, low-life dinero (money) embezzling punk Bernard Madoff ta plug up da BP Gulf of Mexico oil spill leak. As much as I would like ta do it, it just ain't gonna be happenin' y'all."
The president, who was speaking pretty much just up the road from the effen oil leak, laughed and said that he knows that it is a very popular desire of literally thousands of individuals to use Madoff as a pipe plug but he said that we cannot lose sight of the fact that we do live in The United States of America and not in some uncivilized place like Iran, Iraq, Alaska, Syria, or Arizona.
President Obama went on to say that he will also not be paying any attention to the petition (with 18,904 signatures) which he recently received from the Left Coast (California) that suggested that he use 603 pound Gabourey Sidibe to fix the damn hole.
The president said that he had no idea that Miss Sidibe had so many enemies until his wife, Michelle, "The First Mama" informed him that the little darlin' (GS) has quite a prima donna slash diva attitude about her abundantly ample self.
The Prez also vetoed other 'people' suggestions such as using Rush Limbaugh, Kanye West, Rielle Hunter (too skinny), Jesse James, Glenn Beck, Andy Dick (too skinny), Ann Coulter (way too skinny!), and Dick Cheney, who by the way was suggested more than all of the other people combined including the ex emperor himself Jorge Bush.
In other news. Heidi Montag reportedly told ABC's Katie Couric that she wants to kill the rumors about her ovaries being fake. She insists that her ovaries are 100 percent original just like her bikini taco.