Los Angeles, CA - California is another state to recently take issue with a growing problem and aim legislation at it. Lest you think illegal immigrants are the problem, however, that is not the number one concern with Californians. No, California has a bigger problem, quite literally, the problem of obesity, and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has vowed to grasp hold of the problem and squeeze every last drop of fat out of it.
"Everyone knows how much I despise gurly men," said Schwarzenegger at a recent news briefing to announce the passing of the new legislation, "walking around town wiz deir man boobs showing sroo deir tight muscle shirts, wat a load uf crahp. But even worse dan gurly men, I cannot stand to see a good looking woman walking down the street wiz a mini-skirt on and fat knees. Dat drives me up a friggin' wall. We can no longer allow dees peepos to live in Caleefornya."
Starting in July, anyone with a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 25.0 or higher can be detained and asked to show papers indicating they are either members of a physical fitness gym, seeing their doctor for weight loss, or have seen a registered dietician in the past week. Copies of various weight loss books, CD's or health food store catalogues in their possession at the time of arrest will be taken into consideration but may not ensure their release. If it is found that the person is grossly overweight or (gasp) obese, they will be deported immediately.
In addition, law enforcement officers are now charged with policing fast food restaurants. Although Governor Schwarzenegger is working on follow-up legislation which would ban all fast food in California, that law may take a bit longer. Therefore, in the meantime, any fatties found within 100 feet of a fast food restaurant or donut shop will be rounded up and will face deportation unless they enroll immediately in a weight loss program.
"Believe me, peepo," said Schwarzenegger on his way to the gym, "I don't like dees any more dan you do, but we simply must do dees for de good uf all uf Caleefornya." Speaking of gyms, the new legislation will require every citizen in California to enroll in some type of physical activity, whether it be joining a gym, taking yoga lessons, or playing any number of sports on a regular basis.
Mississippi, Arkansas and Georgia have vowed to boycott California products in protest of the new legislation. Said Mississippi Governor Charles "Chubby" Butts, we just can't stand by idly while our fellow Americans are being discriminated against for having healthy appetites. In order to bring to light just how unjust this law is, we have decided not to buy any products from California, including their so-called healthy foods such as pistachios, raisins, olives, fruits and vegetables."