Written by Evan Essence
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Wednesday, 16 November 2005

image for Schwarzenegger Wins Oscar for 'Best Actor' for Role as 'The Governor'
Fakin’ it all the Way and Lovin' It!

At the gala, star-studded Academy Awards ceremony, Arnold Schwarzenegger received the coveted Oscar for the category of "Best Actor", for his acting role as Governor of California. When Schwarzenegger first began his term as governor, he knew less about California state politics than the average citizen, having been too apathetic to even read the newspaper and vote, in 5 out of the previous 11 elections. However, he has one talent, which has resulted in his soaring popularity as governor......the ability to read cue cards, and convincingly portray the character demanded by a script.

When Schwarzenegger appears at meetings and rallies, observers have often noted a tall man wearing a Stetson hat, standing in the back of the room, holding a stack of cue cards. At this point, nobody knows exactly who it is that is writing the script that Schwarzenegger has been following. However, he has been successful in thrilling audiences with the sincerity of the charcter he portrays, and the amazing acumen for power politics that this "average citizen" displays.

The public is delighted by the way Schwarzenegger has blended his fictitious Hollywood super-hero persona, with the character he is portraying of an outraged citizen who decides to take on the evil power structure at the state capitol. "The problems facing California are much too difficult for most of us to want to think about," said political scientist Ely Wiggins. "At this point, we would rather sit back in our seats, with some popcorn and a soda, suspend all disbelief, and let this fictitious Hollywood superhero rescue us from all of our problems."

Schwarzenegger is now likely to use his prestigeous award for Best Actor, to his advantage, to answer some of his harshest critics.

In the short 6-week recall campaign, Arnold refused to debate, until the last minute, and only if all of the debate questions were released the day before. He has pointed out that it would be unfair for a fictional Hollywood superhero to have to engage in spontaneous dialogue on issues he knew nothing about....and before anyone had a chance to write the cue cards. Besides, he said, we have entered an age when elections are decided by whoever can afford the most 30 second TV ads, so it is no longer important for citizens to waste their time by studying the issues and listening to debates.

Although, as a candidate, Schwarzenegger promised that he would not accept any money from special interstests, he has reversed hiself, and has now accepted more special interest money than any politican in California history. But Arnold has pointed out, that devotees of Hollywood films should not be troubled by minor inconsistencies in a plot, as long as the story works out so all the heroes live happily ever after, in the end.

Although groping a woman's breasts is a felony, if there is any contact with the skin....and seventeen woman have now filed charges against Schwarzenegger for groping and inapproriate touching.....there is nothing in the law that states that this applies to larger-than-life, fictitious Hollywood superheroes. Beside, these women were probably all just fantasizing about recieving attention from a former Mr. Universe.

Although we have a right to parody, satirize and spoof any public personality, guaranteed by our centuries-old tradition of Free Speech, Schwarzenegger sued the maker of a gun-toting bobblehead Schwarzenegger doll, stating that , as a fictitious Hollywood superhero, he is so utterly stupendous that people should not be able to make fun of him, because that would damage his Hollywood persona. [Watchout, spoof-writers... Be careful who you pick a fight with!]

The Constitution clearly states that a foreign-born national cannot hold the office of President of the United States. But why would we want to stick with an arcane document, written more than 200 years ago, when we have someone as utterly stupendous as Arnold Schwarzenegger indicating that he would be willing serve as president, if we discard the constitution?

Our Founding Fathers insisted that we are a nation of Laws and not of Men...that the rules should not change because of the strong personalities of any one individual. But does this necessarily apply to an utterly stupendous fictitious Hollywood superhero who can rescue us from all of our problems? And why should we worry about what those peculiar old men, with funny hairdos, thought hundreds of years ago?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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