Washington D.C. Friday 25 February - (Rioters): Forensic astrologers at the National Jeb Revulsion Laboratory in Tampax, Florida have taken the unprecedented step this weekend of issuing an astro-seismology alert following the discovery of a massive "black hole" galaxy close to the constellation known as Bush 666 in what is traditionally deemed the arse-end of the universe.
In a carefully worded statement, the Revulsion team said that unusual planetary activity involving conjunctions between Uranus, the Sun and Mercury plus the entry of Venus into the sign of Pisces all pointed to cataclysmic tremors in George Bush's personal accounts held at the Riggs Bank as well those of his bagman, former US Ambassador to the UK William "Stamps" Farish: "It's gonna be bad, bad, bad" was the exact wording of the announcement.
And in a further twist, psychic elders at St Dubya's Church of Latte Day Morons warned that sex scandals buried deep in the President's whitewashed scorched-earth past all pointed to a "pillows of soot" scenario that would be unearthed as the fallout from the conjunction spread to the asteroid belt around his personal domestic policy: "It's a 'Sod'em and Camorra' scenario for Bush, there's little we can do to avert the cataclysm".
The development follows weeks of frantic negotiations centering on other Riggs' top customers including Nobel Peace Process candidate General Pinochet, whose decision to agree to a turn state's evidence in a plea-bargain deal in the Equatorial Guinea Coup Plot trial hearing in Johannesburg is believed to spell disaster for Bush's Uncle William "Bucky" Bush and current CIA head Porter Dross.
Meanwhile, the UK's Royal Ancient Soothsayers' Heraldic College has issued a reciprocal statement warning that Bush's star chart shows that a malefic ascendancy may be toppled "by a woman clothed in stars 'n' stripes crushing a serpent" in the second house angle of his Satrun return.
While such technical jargon may not be easily comprehensible to the majority of traditional Theo-Con republican voters, the general gist of the warnings seems to point to investigations by Northern Ireland Police's crack team investigating the links between the Provos' alleged £26 million heist of the Falls Road branch of Riggs and payments laundered to Bush's impoverished creditors in Equatorial Guinea.
"Maybe they'll make a movie about it some day", said a spokesman....