Breaking with a long-held tradition, Barack Obama will not attend the Memorial Day ceremony performed by every other American war-time President of laying the wreath upon the head gravestone at Arlington National Cemetery.
Instead, Mr. Obama has wisely bestowed the honor upon his Vice-President, Joe Biden who had these words to say about the Memorial Day Event, "It is quite an honor to be able to pay my respects to these fallen soldiers, buried out there in Arlington who got shot, stabbed, blown up, run over by tanks, or who stepped on land mines, or got bombed by Japanese aircraft at Pearl Harbor, or killed by their own troops for pissing them off in combat…There are just so many ways to die in a war if you really think about it. Some of them may have committed suicide because they learned that their wife or girlfriend was back home having sex with a long-haired hippie that promised them the world, and a bag of grass. However, I am getting off on a tangent here, when what I need to do is focus on what Barack will be doing this Memorial Day."
At the press conference, Mr. Biden took a sip from a glass of clear liquid which one reporter swore was straight Absolute Vodka. He then went on to describe the reasons for President Obama's absence at the traditional Memorial Day ceremony, "President Obama will be headed to Chicago for some much needed R and R. For all you folks that never watched an episode of M.A.S.H., that is military for Rest and Recreation. He is our Commander in Chief, and even he needs a break every now and then. Also, he has informed me that he will be taking part in a lesser known ceremony in a basement in Chicago with his good friend William Ayers. Together, with a few members of the Black Panthers they will lay a wreath upon the Tomb of the Unknown Janitor. During the 1960s, Mr. Ayers was involved with the Weather Underground. They built bombs to protest the Vietnam War, and one day while building a bomb, four members of the Weather Underground were killed in a tragic bomb-building accident. If not for the courage of an Unknown Janitor, who shall remain nameless, the entire structure which housed their hippie commune, could have gone up in flames, killing many very cool and spiritual people who were just there to enjoy a few tokes of grass, or get laid."
Mr. Biden went on for another few minutes until Secret Service Personnel rushed in, taking him and his glass of clear liquid with them.