New Orleans, LA - A dark brown rain of petroleum is falling on New Orleans at this hour. Strange, brown clouds were observed in the sky at dawn. The clouds thickened and residents noticed a strong odor of crude oil a little later. Fat, oily drops began falling a few hours ago. Over ten inches of crude oil is expected to fall on the Big Easy today, coating all vegetation, and killing everything it touches.
The oily precipitation is coming from the Gulf of Mexico. Immense amounts of crude oil have evaporated in the last month from the Deepwater Horizon disaster. Scientists were too busy looking at the waters of the Gulf of Mexico, when they should have been looking at the skies. Oil evaporates, just like water, and now a nightmarish storm of petroleum has formed. Everyone on the East Coast is in severe danger.
The toxic storm is expected to run up the Eastern Seaboard in the next few days. A witches' brew of crude oil, benzene, and petroleum byproducts will rain from the sky. All vegetation will immediately die. Dead birds will drop from the skies. Rivers will turn dark brown, with an oily rainbow sheen on the surface. The Eastern Seaboard will soon resemble Saturn's moon Titan, and be just as lifeless.
President Obama was informed of the coming 'oil storm' and it gave him a chance to show his leadership skills.
"I'm going to California to raise money for the Democrats. Have a nice day, and good luck with the storm." he said, as he waved goodbye from Air Force One.