Written by John Hill
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Topics: Gay, Congress, Military

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

image for 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Gay Military Policy Being Asked By Congress
U.S. Army Private hides his privates, part of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

WASHINGTON (May 24) -- Congress may vote as early as Thursday to repeal the military's "don't ask, don't tell" law on gays, but when asked questions by White House reporters, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, who has a proud chin, carved by the winds of adversity, and eyes the color of a storm-tossed sea, resplendent in a mauve suit, teal tie, and a saucy little attitude, said, "I'm not tell-ling, neener, neener, neener," and flounced off, giggling like a den of Girl Scouts.

Congress was urged to go slow on repealing the 1993 Clinton administration policy, in order to give the military time to gauge attitudes within the ranks.

Staff Sergeant Butch "Big Dog" Baker, 1st Platoon, Delta Company, at Ft. Riley, Kansas, assembled his troops to gauge attitudes within the ranks, in a shivering, pre-down formation, screaming, red-faced, a half inch from his troops' terrified faces, "Any of you closet faggots want more faggots in your faggosty-ass barracks, you fuckin' pussys!!! AND IF THE ARMY WANTED YOU TO HAVE A PENIS, THEY'D HAVE ISSUED YOU ONE!"

When reporters later asked how the attitudes were then gauged, that they were asking and to be told anything by the base public affairs officers that that would be telling.

Sgt. Butch "Big Dog" Baker was not available for comment later that night when he was seen sneaking out of the local "Advance To The Rear" nightclub in a seedy part of Ft. Riley, Kansas, a local bar known for having the last working disco ball in Kansas, and a jukebox that still plays only Donna Summers' hits from the 80's.

Gay rights groups, which had the wind knocked out of their silly little sails by Gates' earlier caution, hailed the "dramatic breakthrough"as "dramatic," then celebrated with an all-night Sarah Palin/Lady Ga Ga costume party with free Vagina-Pink Mai Tai's, a party that lasted until the cock crowed.

More than 14,000 gays and lesbians have been discharged, some of which had minor occasional discharges, from the military since 1994 when the law took effect.

Gay-rights activists estimate there are now about 46,000 male soldiers who swim after troop ships and about 20,000 female soldiers who wear comfortable shoes now serving in the military, not counting those three corporals in Charlie Company, Ft. Benning, Georgia, who may be, you know, as we say in the South, a little funny.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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