Written by Phil Maggitti
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Wednesday, 23 February 2005

image for More Bush Tapes Revealed
Why does this thing go "beep" every fifteen seconds?

WASHINGTON - Doug Wead, who secretly taped nine hours of phone conversations with George W. Bush, told The New York Times yesterday, "There's more where those came from." Wead, a former Amway distributor and Assemblies of God minister, said the additional tapes, which were also recorded between 1998 and 2000, contain revelations "that will cause a lot of chins to drop-and not only on the president's mother."

Although Wead hesitated to reveal the content of the additional four hours' worth of tapes, he did say they contained "interesting" revelations about the shaving cream and inflatable midgets used in the Skull and Bones club initiation when Bush was at Yale; a "devastating" impersonation of Pat Robertson singing "What a Friend We Have in TV"; and "appallingly crude" descriptions of the virtues Bush admires most in women.

Wead said he never intended to make the additional tapes public, but he changed his mind when the White House launched "a character assignation campaign" against him after he had released portions of the first six hours of secretly recorded conversations made when Bush was still governor of Texas.

"The White House said that I had been expelled from Central Bible College because I had poured water on a classmate's pillar of salt science project," said Wead. "That's not true. Nor is it true that I employed undocumented, non-Christian aliens at sweat-shop wages in my Amway business."

The final straw, according to Wead, came when he began receiving phone calls from people who said they had gotten his private number in Washington's Union Station.

"That's when I ran out of cheeks to turn. I decided to introduce the American people to the man they elected president at least once: the drunken lout who set fire to the beard of one of the members of ZZ Top; the oaf who crashed an Ann Richards fundraiser and tried to urinate into the punch bowl; the devoted father who couldn't tell his twins apart until he stopped drinking; the combat-dodging commander in chief who ‘can't wait to finish the war Daddy started.'"

Wead also scoffed at the notion that Bush wouldn't admit to smoking marijuana because he didn't want to set a bad example for children. "Did he think his admissions of drunkenness and adultery set good examples for kids?"

In other news, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he now regrets "doing that silly rain dance" at a reception for Native American shamans in Sacramento earlier this month.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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