Written by C. Cranium
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Topics: Sausages

Sunday, 23 May 2010

image for Sausage Man Escapes Unharmed
Sausage produced by robotic sausage equipment.

Braut City, New Hampshire. Last night an unnamed worker at the Live Free or Die Sausage Company was grabbed and loaded into a sausage machine by an industrial robot. The man emerged minutes later as a six-foot long sausage.

The man was able to escape by rolling off a conveyor belt, falling, and crashing through to the lunchroom where co-workers, believing that surprise lunch was a six-foot long spicy Italian, found instead a smoky flavored fellow employee. The man was taken to the hospital where he is in stable condition for severe psychological trauma similar to post traumatic stress.

Police investigations have disclosed that another person, a woman, was present when the accident happened. As impossible as it seems, it appears that the industrial robot, named Emma, was jealous and deliberately threw the man into the suction loader of the sausage-making machine. Police also reported that the fellow worker is missing from the sausage assembly plant and her home. Police believe that the woman may have fled the sight in fear of her life -- or maybe that she is a five foot six sausage somewhere. Investigations are continuing.

The Matsumoto-Fukashima Industrial Robot Company, manufacturers of the sausage robot and other robotic food processing equipment, has called the jealousy theory ludicrous and without merit. There is however another outstanding case at a Mississippi Cajun sausage plant where a missing person and the same Emma model of sausage robot were involved.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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