WALLA WALLA, Washington - President Obama spoke before the springtime convention of the Underprivileged Children of Professional Northwest Lumberjacks at Walla Walla's newly-dedicated Vice-President Joe Biden Auditorium.
Afterwards he was asked what he plans on doing about the horrendous mess that the BP Gulf of Mexico oil spill has caused.
The president smiled, looked into the teleprompter and said, "Now let me be perfectly clear on this. I want it known that the BPers who are responsible for this damn piece-of-shit mess will pay and pay dearly, both in money and in butt skin."
President Obama went on to say that he has a list that details each of the involved officials from Almaron P. Tannerbush to Zackary F. Nuddlepuddle.
He has their addresses, cell phone numbers, social security numbers, and even their weight.
When the president was asked if the oil will reach all the way up to Massachusetts he grinned, took a sip of his Long Island Iced Tea and said, "Sad to say, but yeppers.
"Yeppers? Mr. President?
"Say bro, did I effen stutter or what? Come on now little fella, lets get with the son-of-a-bitchin' program here"
President Obama was asked how he planned on punishing the guilty parties.
"Waterboarding. I am personally gonna take each and every last mother effer that is responsible for this oil shit mess and I will be waterboarding their ass until the damn freakin cows come home, if not later."
The president shook his head, took another sip of his Long Island Iced Tea and added, "And after I finish waterboarding their damn careless asses, I plan on loading up the entire bunch of bastards and/or bitches on a C5A cargo plane and flying the entire worthless bunch to that place they call Arizona, where they will spend the whole friggin' summer in the bitchin' hot Arizona heat. And that right there is exactly what I'm talkin' about y'all."
In good news from the oil spill world. Today's oil spill that occurred off Madagascar in the Indian Ocean only amounted to about 27 gallons. And it was reportedly watered down oil at that.