President Obama, in a move to gain public trust after a series of disastrous missteps over his symbiotic relationship with Wall Street, has hired a Nigerian Barrister to enforce newly proposed Wall Street regulations.
"I nominate Dr. Akeem Biobaku as head of Wall Street Reform Enforcement because of his vast experience in financial matters and his uncanny persuasive abilities," proclaimed President Obama in a Rose Garden Ceremony. "I recently met Dr. Biobaku when he contacted me by email and asked for my assistance. His impressive resume includes his latest position as Professor of Law at the University of Sierra Leone, West Africa. Early in January this year, the rebels in his country struck his township and killed his parents in one of their attacks. His late father, King Amonoo Davies-Goodwill, being the King of the Town, was a prime target. I, of course felt sorry for Dr. Biobaku because I have relatives in Kenya and asked him to come work for me."
Dr. Biobaku spoke briefly before refusing any follow-up questions. Here is a complete transcript of his speech:
"The American people have been recommended by an associate who assured me in confidence of their ability and reliability to prosecute a pending business transaction of great magnitude, requiring maximum confidence.
We are interested in the importation of goods into our country with funds which are presently confined in the investment banks of Goldman Sachs and Citibank. In order to commence this business, we solicit your assistance to enable us to transfer into your account, the said trapped funds. In order to do this transaction, the American taxpayer must provide a sum of 5 trillion dollars to be held in the Federal Reserve Bank of New York as security. A secured sum of money will be returned to you after it is distributed to the investment banks at no interest rate and then lent back to you at an established interest rate that guarantees a profit for the banks.
The profit made from this transaction shall be distributed to the shareowners of the banks as dividends and to the banks' attorneys, while we apply a window dressing that looks like we are doing something to reel in the excesses of Wall Street. The rest of the money will be distributed as follows:
10% returned to taxpayer
65% processing fee imposed by banks
25% shrinkage cost
Please note this transaction is 100% safe according to my accountant. We hope to conclude the transaction in at most 10 banking days. You will receive a letter from official government document in a few days asking to provide your Banker's Name, Telephone, Account and Fax numbers.
As a token of our appreciation to you, we shall make available to you at less than market price as much as 500,000 barrels of raw crude oil from a British petroleum company. The name of the company to be held in strictest confidence until the transaction is completed. Thank you."
Ed. Note: Wow-I feel so much better!