Written by Chuck Terzella
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Monday, 21 February 2005

United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and CIA Director Porter Goss both appeared in front of various Congressional Committees yesterday to warn America that Administration policies over the last four years have made the chances that the US will be attacked again much more likely and the only way to deal with the problems they've created is to spend as much money as the government can beg borrow or steal.

In his debut testimony as Director of the Central Intelligence Agency Porter Goss told the Senate Intelligence Committee that rather than reduce the threat from extremists President Bush's preemptive attack on Iraq has become a cause in itself for pretty much anyone with a improvised explosive device and a dream. The occupation of Iraq is also providing a dandy training ground for terrorists. Said Goss. "Those Jihadists who survive will leave Iraq experienced in and focused on acts of urban terrorism. They represent a potential pool of contacts to build transitional terrorist cells, groups and networks." This was taken by intelligence experts to mean that because of the policies of George W. Bush we're all gonna die.

Mr. Goss also said, "It may be only a matter of time before Al Qaida or other groups attempt to use chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear weapons." This was taken by intelligence experts to mean that because of the policies of President George W. Bush we're all gonna die.

Meanwhile, Dense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, while foregoing his usual whine that Administration policies, and most particularly his contribution to them, were not the reason we're all gonna die, told anyone who would listen that the only way to fight the threat that they've created is to spend as much money as we can as fast as we can. Pushing Congress to approve the President's 419 billion dollar budget Mr. Rumsfeld said, " If there's a dime left in the coffers to fund Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, if we have two cents left to help seniors pay for prescription drugs, if we have one wooden nickel in the bank to clean up the environment with, then my friends, the terrorists will have won."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Look, during the debates the President made no secret of the fact that, ‘being President is hard work.' After all, he must have said it like, ten times. Well, you gotta ask yourself exactly what is so fucking hard? That's right, managing the budget and all the programs the budget funds. Add to that the sheer size of the country and all its people and you really do have a hard job. Now, how do you make it any easier? Well, we figured if there was no money to fund any programs then managing the budget would be a snap. Quite simply, there would be no budget to manage. Next, if we created a situation where terrorists could destroy half the country, preferably the Democratic half, then the President's work would also be reduced by half. So in effect, the Iraq debacle is nothing more than a government streamlining program."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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