"We can't go out shopping or anything right now", stated a tired-looking Jason Whitaker of St. Petersburg, Florida. "Everybody in the house has the shits...or we did have the shits. Now it's mostly grunts and air."
All along the Gulf coast the same thing is happening as the oil spill comes in and gets into houses and water supply.
"We thought we could just drink bottled water and so did everybody else. So all the stores ran out at once. Now they're closed because they all have the shits."
Whitaker's neighbor, Jimmie Woodcock, told our reporter, who was beginning to double over a bit himself, "We can't even move north. We're all too weak...GOTTA GO!!"
Meanwhile President Barack Obama has ordered FEMA to bring in more port-a-potties and buses with loads of adult diapers to get people out of harms way.
"I may have been slow to attack the oil slick but I'm coming to the rescue as fast as I can", stated the President from Pensacola. "I just shit my pants."
"That's our President", stated a brown-bottomed Nancy Pelosi! "He's one of the people!"