Written by Charpa93
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Topics: Oil, Oil Spill, bp

Thursday, 20 May 2010

image for BP Shifts Focus from Oil Leak to Plugging CEO Hayward's Pie Hole
Yes, I Sleep Very Well, Thank You for Asking

Oily Mess, LA - BP's CEO, Tony Hayward is becoming a public relations nightmare outpacing the oil spill as an even worse mess than tar balls on terns. A spokesperson for Lyen Waite Marketing of London warned last month that if they didn't reign in "this jackass" soon, the whole oil spill mess could blow up in our faces," and he was right.

Hayward seems to be distancing himself further and further from the problem, while showing up only to make ridiculous statements that serve to remind the folks in Louisiana on a daily basis why they should be thankful to the good Lord that there ever was a Revolutionary War. And Hayward does it while always appearing dressed to the nines in suit and tie, official like, so that there is no doubt who the one with the money is.

Some of the more inane words coming out of Hayward have to do with the technology being used to try and stop the spill. Such as: "yeah, we know there's a leak, yeah, we are trying our best to stick a pipe or whatever down there and big things that look like cabanas so that I guess the divers are comfortable as they go about their daily chores."

When told that divers wouldn't survive that far down into the ocean, Hayward replied "oops, get those men back up here now."

It is these kind of remarks that are drawing the ire of Lyen Waite and which are prompting them to do something drastic to keep Hayward from doing any more damage to BP's sterling reputation. One engineer, called in to work on a solution, suggested a surgical procedure wherein the bones in the upper portion of Hayward's body are broken in such a way that it is physically possible to literally stick his head up his ass. "Perhaps then," said the engineer, "he'd be quiet long enough for us to get some real work done and the metaphor would be enough to assuage the Louisiana people."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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