The US Coast Guard has declared that the tar balls being discovered in Florida are not from the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, according to their study.
"We have seen more than fifty cases in here", stated one doctor from St. Petersburg. "These guy's balls are certainly black from tar, but it did not from that oil spill that's on the news daily."
Also, reports that a twenty foot tall Tar Monster had came ashore and eaten human beings is also untrue, according to an officer of the Guard.
"People watch too many movies. This thing isn't alive..or I hope not. The only way it could really change is that if it mixed with nuclear waste and was hit by lightning and a witch had issued a curse."
After that member of the Guard was hauled away, another came up and explained that the previous Guard was a "Short-Timer" and would get out of the service soon and was having his little joke.''
St. Pete law officers say they have traced the black tarred balls back to an overly strict father, a beautiful but promiscuous daughter and the guys he's caught her with.
"When I black ball a person, he is blackballed!"