Written by Jalapenoman
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Wednesday, 19 May 2010

image for A Study On The Military Tactics Of Tweetle Beetles
Wrong beetles, stupid

In 1965, Dr. Theodore "Seuss" Geisel published his war study, Fox in Socks. The final 20% of the book discusses tactics and strategy employed by Tweetle Beetles in battle conditions. One sentence reads,

"When beetles fight their battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles… they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle."

General Kenton Burnside of the National War College has recently completed a more in depth research study into Tweetle Beetle Battles. His conclusions are that the hand to hand combat techniques as employed by the Tweetle Beetles should be immediately taught to soldiers and used in all close quarters combat situations.

From his Pentagon office, General Burnside offered the following statement:

"Tweetle Beetles have abandoned the knife, gun, bayonet, brass knuckles style weapons that have been generally used in hand to hand combat in favor of paddles. As these paddles are also used in watery conditions, they are effective in both striking the enemy and moving the liquid to alter the environment in favor of the combatant."

"Tweetle Beetles are also able to effect their attacks, even with the presence of non-combatants such as poodles. They fight effectively in the limited terrain of a bottle and have to work among the close quarters of a surface also containing noodles. Stratagems that they employ in these confined situations have led me to conclude that they should be studied and emulated."

"I'm ordering copies of Fox in Socks for all of our students at West Point, the Naval Academy, and the Air Force Academy. I'm also making sure that copies of my study are available to all drill sergeants and that the Tweetle Beetle fighting techniques are taught to all of our men in basic training."

"Our men have been caught up in traditional western fighting techniques for far too many years. A good soldier learns how to adapt, and that is what we are going to do. I foresee the successful implementation of these techniques bringing a quick and speedy end to the current Middle East conflict."

There is no word on whether or not Middle Eastern military leaders are aware of the existence of Tweetle Beetle strategies and fighting techniques.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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