Well known for speaking on live television about her problematic, "vajayjay," it is being reported that Oprah Winfrey is under heavy pressure by Dr. Phil to release what he believes could be a secret weapon in the effort to plug the massive oil leak off the coast of Louisiana. According to reliable sources, Dr. Phil is using all know psychological powers in the Universe, as well as West Texas to persuade Oprah Winfrey into allowing British Petroleum use of, "the biggest damn tampon you have ever seen in your life."
"She has it locked away in her basement in Chicago," claims Dr. Phil. "I know this for a fact because not long after she got me my own television show, we went over to her place to celebrate with Daiquiris and Hostess Cup Cakes. We were watching that movie, 'Pretty Woman' with Julia Roberts who played the high class whore. Anyhow, I got up to use the bathroom, and accidentally opened the wrong door."
What Dr. Phil describes next is nothing short of incredulous. In fact, it may shed light upon the mysterious disappearance of Steadman, Oprah's long time male companion. "It was really dark, and I couldn't find the light switch. The next thing I knew I was stumbling down a long flight of stairs. All I can remember before I passed out from bumping my head was being out of control, and gaining speed. I must have been screaming my head off."
Dr. Phil believes that it must have been hours before he finally awoke. When he did regain consciousness, the scene he found himself witnessing seemed absolutely incredible. "So I woke up, and standing over me was Steadman. He said he was glad to see me and that it was about time that Oprah sent someone to give him a hand with the project. After I had a glass of water, Steadman took me to this other section of the basement. Man, it was something like out of that movie, 'Independence Day' when they show you what Area 51 looks like. I looked down into this enormous hangar-like area and that's when I saw it."
Sounding like a war veteran that would rather not be talking about his experiences, Dr. Phil held back his tears as he went on to describe the enormous object. "My God it was freaking huge. I mean the thing has to be the size of the Hindenburg. Apparently, Oprah has had Steadman down there for years, building this thing out of her used vajayjay products. I couldn't understand why, but now I know that God has a plan, and that plan it to plug the oil leak and save our environment."