In order to keep up with the latest in technology and conservative cultural trends, Addled State University is now accepting applications for students specializing in flaming innocent bystanders in chat rooms and social networks.
"We are more interested in attitude than aptitude" says ASU Admissions Officer, known only by his username "truepatriot." "All a candidate needs is a healthy dose of patriotism and a vague understanding of history and religion. Basically, if he can find his ass with both hands he's in, but that requirement can be waived in some circumstances. We find they become better flamers the less they actually know about anything. We are super excited this year because Sarah Palin is our guest speaker at graduation."
Here is a list of required courses:
- Moving from the Rotary to the Digital World
- Internets: Friend or Foe?
- Learning to Turn on a Computer
- Why You are Always Right
- Xenophobia-Looks Bad-Feels Good
- How to Bend the Truth
- Sounding Superior: Effective Use of the Words "Bible, Jesus, God, and The Constitution"
- Symbol Worship: Why it's Good for America
- Correct Spelling: Who Needs It?
- Jingoism meets Western Religion
- Conservative Champions of Illiteracy
- Patriotism: If You Got It, Flaunt It
- Fox News: Listen and Learn (8 hour Lab mandatory)
- Hunting for Victims: Locating On-Line Social Sites
- How to Spot a Liberal in a Chat Room
- Why Educated People Don't have to Read
- Guerilla Flaming
Tawdry Soup was able to gather a few impressive writing samples from recent graduates. Here are a few with the statements that inspired them and the chat rooms where they originated:
craftyruth: If you try the western cross-stitch you may have better luck with that one...
ASU Graduate: r you ritardid! If you don't like life in AMERICA you dum bich, then get the Hellllllll, out IF your not black spanish or from aforgein country, you can't get help from your own country, where not even consider gualified!!!
Joy Bethel: I hear that
ASU Graduate: I think that ANYONE in a public orafice of ANY sort from city and County level all the way to and including ur comunistic president should be required by law to sign a statement stating the fact that they have read the entire language before they are allowed to sign it.
fishinglover: Have you tried the Wooly bugger? I had good luck with it on the McKenzie River...
ASU Graduate: If anything about America offends any of you commy, liberals pieces of krap they can kiss my ass! and go back to where yoo came from and if they r from here then go somewhere else we don't need or want u here! I'll pay for ur ONE-WAY ticket out of this country as long as u give up their passport, citizenship & promise to NEVIR return!
Ed Note: Get ready. A new crop of graduates are coming to a chat room near you soon!