A local middle school bully choked and collapsed yesterday after stuffing an entire cluster of Muscadine grapes into his mouth. Clover Heights Middle School students who quoted teachers who quoted the Police who quoted the paramedics who responded to the emergency call say the bully was lying on the playground for over fifteen minutes before help arrived.
Principal Ma Joad said the bully, sixteen year old Ox Bludgeon, had grabbed the Muscadine grapes away from another student. "He's such a big 'ole thing. We can't do a anything with him. But he's a bully just like his daddy was, so I knew he'd be just fine" Fellow twelve year old student Horace Spencer said the older bully wrestled the grapes away from him during lunch. "While he was passed out I was able to get all our lunch money back. Ony then was someone sent to the principals office for help."
"It was kind of funny," said paramedic Roger Anout of the township fire department. "The boy's face was the same color as the grapes sticking out of his mouth, his eyes were bulging out and he wasn't breathing. I thought he might be in trouble. But that was before I found out he was a bully. Even though he may have been without oxygen for as long as fifteen or twenty minutes I knew then he'd be OK. However, out of an abundance of caution I kept an eye on him till I ran out of expensive test to perform."
Renowned neurosurgeon George Merilee of Duke Medical Center where the boy was taken for treatment said there was no brain damage whatsoever. "Other children would have been comatose," he said, "But not this young man. Fifteen minutes without oxygen and absolutely no brain damage. We see this again and again with bullies. There is unquestionably something different about the brain of a bully. They seem to operate equally as well with or without oxygen. Right now he's probably abusing the other young patient in his room, so I guess you could say he's back to normal. However, out of an abundance of caution we'll keep him as long as we can and then release him when we run out of expensive test to perform.
The father of the bully, I. M. Bludgeon, stock broker and ex-pro football player, has notified the Spencer family through his attorney that he wants little Horace to return the lunch money taken from his son while he lay unconscious, "Or else."