In a just released video from the mountains of Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden has issued a statement that has rocked the world. Osama declares in the video the cessation of Jihad as the world knows it. He then waxed poetic quoting from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 To Every Thing There is a Season:
To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal.
With Ayman Al- Zawahiri at his side Bin Laden turned full face to the camera and explained this extraordinary decision to the world.
"We, as Jihad-ists should not let the perfect be the enemy of the good. We prefer our way but we are realistic and It doesn't have to be our way or the highway. America is destroying itself almost as quickly as we could have done it. Of course, they have help. BP, part of the Coalition of the willing, is taking care of the gulf coast, the T-baggers are inciting to riot, Fox News is dumbing down the rest of the country, and the NRA is selling rifles to babies.
"All in all, it is working out. For myself, I am moving to the Big Apple, buying Blankfein's penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side, shave off this freaking beard, and do a little R & R. We will be sending some of our best and brightest to the Wharton School of Finance and then on to Wall Street.
"We have promised these brave young men twenty virgins and a free membership to the local racquet ball club. Finding twenty virgins is going to be damned hard in NYC, but Craig's List should handle that problem.
"Ayman, here, is going to teach at Harvard, and that dumb ass Times Square bomber can go rot in hell as far as I'm concerned. Excuse me now, I have to short some US Treasury Bills and government bonds. I'll see you at the GOP fund raiser next month in West Hollywood."
In related news, Senator Mitch McConnell, minority leader of the US Senate and Congressman John Boehner, minority leader of the US House of Representative issued a one sentence statement in reply to the Bin Laden announcement.
The statement reads: "Allah is great!"