CCN (Crazy Cal News) Gulf of Mexico - Since the last efforts to stop the leak have failed, BP has put their top scientists to work on the clean-up plan to protect the coast. After contacting consultants in Hollywood, the stylists have recommended pushing a return of the "Greaser" hairdo.
Jose Eber, Christophe, Allen Edwards, Michael Canale, and Joseph Martin agreed, but Michael John said Barbara Streisand would never go for it. Still, the consensus is that the plan might work.
BP scientists have determined that the oil contains nutrients that might enrich the hair, though it could irritate the scalp. Michael Canale reassured them that the Goth crowd would absolutely LOVE it. Hollywood has started writing scripts with actors wearing a "New Improved" hairstyle called the "Slick." The Hollywood stylists insist that it's not the same because it will be pushing longer hair than the Greasers had and including Afros for better absorbency. BP boasts that the oil is better than Afro Sheen.
In order to support the style change, BP will fund Hollywood Movies with top actors, including a movie with Sandra Bullock and Tom Hanks as parents of Blair Underwood who dates Will Smith. Lady Gaga will appear as Will Smith's mother. Actors in all the movies will appear in beach scenes on the Louisiana coast. Slicked back hair will appear on both the male and female actors. They will be seen dipping their hair in the water to show how they get their "Slick" look. BP is also funneling money into television programs and commercials to support the look.
With Summer approaching, BP estimates that children trying to emulate the actors should soak up nearly all of the oil that has been released to date before Summer's end.