Written by Charpa93
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Saturday, 15 May 2010

image for OCD Plagues One-Star Arse Bandit

There is no longer a reason to curse the One-Star Arse Bandit for his random acts of malicious rates for he is already cursed. OSAB suffers from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and no amount of complaining will change the fact that he is compelled to assign only one star to as many stories as he can read in a sitting without him finding it necessary to run to the nearest bathroom and scrub his index finger clean.

It all started when he was just a toddler, just beginning to learn how to talk. After he mastered "mama" and "papa" and half of the abc's, his parents started him on numbers.

"Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun," they'd say to him as he stared unintelligibly at them without uttering a sound, "wuuuuuuunnn, wuuuuuuuun, wuuuuuuun," until finally they gave up in frustration, leaving the Bandit to believe the only number in the numerical system was one. As he grew older and heard other children counting to two, three, four, yes even five, he could not bring himself to do so. It was this experience that taught him to envy others for their learning abilities.

Then there were the nursery rhymes they recited to him "star light, star bright, first star I see tonight," it repeated over and over and over in his head as he drifted off to sleep.

As he got older, he began to watch television and especially loved Sesame Street, except for the Count. The Count scared him to death. When the Count came on, he ran out of the room as fast as he could but not fast enough to escape the Count's first few words--"One, ah ah ah." The Count was evil. The OSAB began to associate the number one with escape from evil.

He could remember his mother taking him to the store and telling him he was going to get some candy but when he found himself in front of the candy counter, all he heard was "one, you can only have one." It was all he could do not to bang his little head against the case and collapse on the store floor in total despair. That is how he began to associate the number one with revenge.

And it is the OSAB's childhood memories that serve to plunge him deep into his obsessive-compulsive behavior while poised at the rating quick, and why he can't really help giving anyone more than one star on any of their stories. Don't blame the One-Star Arse Bandit, blame the OCD.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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