President Obama went on record recently asserting that "homeland insurgents" are no longer allowed to bomb things and blow stuff up.
"I was trying to be nice about all this, but I see they're the type of people with whom that won't work. You give them an inch, they take a mile. And blow something up too. We now the shoe's on the other foot. Or something."
Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano echoed the president's sentiments with "Obviously in the case of the Times Square bomber the system worked. We can't count on pretzel salesmen to be vigilant forever, though. It's time we put our foot down: No more bombing!"
She added that "the president is even considering calling certain people 'terrorists' if the word fits, though it most likely won't." She said "Up until now the President has refrained from using that word because it might upset the good type of terrorists who wouldn't want to be associated with the bad kind. But no more. I'm even on a committee to discuss the feasibility of using the term. So watch out, Benjamin Laden!"
The President added that the American people could rest assured that he could fight homegrown terrorist activity with a combination of "vigilance and impoliteness."