HOLLYWOOD - Former superstar and alleged child molester Michael Jackson was rushed to the emergency room again with what doctors ultimately diagnosed as flu-like symptoms. He was immediately admitted to the hospital for observation and treatment but is not expected to fully recover until 5:00 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When reached for comment, Jackson told reporters that he was feeling much better but he feared an ingrown toenail he had been suffering from for some time would become infected the following Monday morning. He shared with journalists that his psychic had predicted the problem would quickly escalate into a serious need for amputation of his pinkie toe, with full bed rest required until the end of May.
"This is greatly upsetting to me," said Jackson, currently undergoing treatment for a back injury brought on by excessive flu medication, "because all I want to do right now is go court and prove my innocence against the false charges that have been brought against me."
Jackson urged friends and well-wishers not to harbor unneeded concern even though it is a widely known fact that Jackson contracts serious pleurisy at the beginning of every June. This normally slightly painful malady is no cause for alarm in most cases but Jackson has a particularly devastating form of the sickness that causes necrotizing fasciitis.
Before this revelation was made public, many Michael fans believed that he was addicted to plastic surgery, and they were shocked when the truth came to light.
"All this time I thought he suffered body dysmorphic disorder," said close friend and celebrity socialite, Jocelyn Wildenstein. "Now I have learned that poor Michael actually contracts a flesh eating disease triggered by his yearly pleurisy, and he must undergo multiple surgeries every August to look even close to normal."
In the past, Michael's cosmetic surgery procedures have seldom caused him any debilitating effects save having to appear in public wearing a surgical mask, but doctors are now speculating that his current flu-like symptoms might cause him to be forced to remain in a germ-free environment until Halloween.
"That poor man," said Wildenstein. "Just as he recovers from one malady, he experiences another."
As a service to both his fans and the court, Jackson has ordered his attorneys to make public heretofore confidential health records noting the many ailments and harsh physical horrors he suffers annually. In those records, it is noted that Jackson also harbors a genetic disorder commonly known as dance fever brought on each September by allergies to mold spores. Prone to flailing seizures during that time, the fragile Jackson must be hospitalized and kept isolated until at least New Year's Day.
"After that, we just don't know," said a member of Jackson's law firm. "January is flu season and Michael's health is so fragile. We'll just have to keep our fingers crossed that the trial will resume by next February."
Doctors at the hospital expressed concern over the singer's physical and financial health as rumors continue to circulate that Jackson has run out of money. An anonymous source said Jackson's Neverland ATM has not been restocked since mid-February.
"He's even out of Jesus juice," said a close friend [name withheld by request]. "We're all very worried about his health."