Written by Phil Maggitti
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Topics: New York, Medical

Tuesday, 15 February 2005

image for President Bush's Image Revered as Religious Icon
I've grown accustomed to your face . . .

A medical photograph taken with the latest Ham-corder™ technology reveals an imprint of President George W. Bush's face on former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's prostate. The startling photo (right), stolen from the office of a board-certified urologist in Crawford, Texas, where Mayor Giuliani is employed in the presidential motor pool, appeared yesterday on the www.prostatehealth.org Web site. By late last night the image had been downloaded more than 15,000 times after a woman from Snipe, Alabama, claimed in an evangelical chatroom that the image had healing powers. The site's primary server had to be taken off line because it had become grotesquely swollen.

According to sources close to the photograph, Giuliani visited the board-certified urologist shortly after the November 2 election last year to have an official prostate portrait made. A front-runner for the Republican presidential nomination in 2008, Giuliani planned to release the portrait in order to prove he is recovered from the prostate cancer he used as an excuse for ducking Hillary Rodham Clinton in the 2000 race for a U.S. Senate seat from New York. Clinton, coincidentally, may wind up opposing Giuliani in the 2008 presidential election.

A spokeswoman for the senator refused to say whether Clinton planned to release a medical image of her prostate. The spokeswoman did assure reporters, however, that Senator Clinton's prostate is "completely normal" for a female politician her age and is not in any way responsible for the senator's recent collapse while making a speech in Buffalo, New York.

Reaction to the discovery of the presidential image was split, predictably, along religious and secular lines. Terry Meeuwsen, co-host of "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network, called the imprint "God's handiwork." Meeuwsen, a former Miss America and a one-time member of the New Christy Minstrels, told reporters that "deep in His bowels God wants His faithful to know that He has hand-picked Rudolph Giuliani to continue the work of George W. Bush here on earth."

Meeuwsen also said that commemorative bath towels bearing the presidential prostate image are available on the 700 Club's Web site.

Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of former presidential candidate John Kerry, said she wasn't surprised about the appearance of Bush's image on Giuliani's prostate. "In fact," said Kerry, "it wouldn't surprise me to find Bush's thumb print there."

In related news, Senator Ted Kennedy's office announced there is no need for his constituents to be alarmed by the discovery that the senator's prostate is shaped like a bottle of Absolut vodka.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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