LOS ANGELES - Agents of the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) had a surprise for first twins Jenna and Barbara Bush at the 47th annual Grammy Award show last night. As the girls were chatting backstage with U2's Bono, they were approached by two men holding sheets of paper.
"I thought the dorks wanted an autograph," said Jenna Bush, the blond bouncy twin. "You could have knocked me over with a swizzle stick when I realized we were being served."
What the twins were served with was a notice that a $12.5-million lawsuit had been filed against them by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). The suit accuses the twins of downloading more than 15,000 music files illegally from the popular file-sharing site Kazaa.
"We filed this suit to show music pirates that no one living or dead is above the law," said RIAA President Cary Sherman. "We've been tracking the activities of the twins since they were in college. You can run but you can't hide."
Reaction from the first family was swift. "I'll rip that sucker's head off and spit down his neck," snarled First Grandmother Barbara Bush. "Obviously that needle nose is tired of suing the daughters of chambermaids and settling for $3.87, so he's decided to go after somebody with serious money."
The president's reaction, though less colorful than his mother's, was no less decisive. "I have added RIAA to the Axis of Evil, and I will treat their nation accordingly," said Bush.
Swapping files under the username YaYaTwins, the Bush sisters amassed the largest collection of pirated music of anyone yet harassed by the RIAA. According to their designated driver, the girls have "a bitchin' collection of tunes-Avril Lavigne, Christina Aguilera, Hilary Duff, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Clay Aiken, Ashlee Simpson-all kinds of happening acts. If you saw the girls namecheck Outkast at the Republican convention last year, you know what kind of street cred they've got."
This is not the first time the Bush twins have run afoul of the law. In May 2001, Jenna, whose secret service code name is Anheuser, was caught using a fake ID to buy a drink. Not long after paying a $100 fine and taking alcohol-awareness classes, she was nabbed again, prompting one columnist to observe, "Perhaps she should have taken narc-awareness classes." Her second offense cost her $500, and one of her licenses was suspended.
When the twins were in high school, Jenna, who looks like Janis Joplin without the zits, was voted "most likely to trip on prom night." Barbara, the one who looks like Damien's evil nanny in The Omen, was voted "most likely to appear on the cover of Vogue wearing a $35,000 dress paid for by one of her father's political cronies."
In related news, the RIAA went to court this morning to prevent the parents of a college student who had been sued for illegal downloading from disconnecting her life-support system.