Written by Phil Maggitti
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Sunday, 13 February 2005

image for Six Degrees of Michael Jackson Imperils Jury Selection
"Did you say your wife's second cousin or your second cousin's wife?

SANTA MARIA, Calif. - The jury selection process at Michael Jackson's child-molestation trial is in more trouble than Michael's career. "We've given up on finding twelve people who have never heard or read anything about this case," said Jackson attorney Robert Sanger. "We'll be lucky if we can find twelve people who don't know someone who knows someone who's related to a guy whose kid once visited Neverland. Michael is connected to more people than Kevin Bacon."

With jury selection set to resume, Sanger provided the following "typical examples" of the tangled web that connects Jackson to virtually all of Southern California.

Juror number 41 was dismissed because her "niece-in-law's nephew's cousin once dated Michael's cousin Ely's step-sister. The day after her dismissal, juror 41 signed a book deal with Bantam. Her fictional history, The Color of Michael's Socks the Day I Saw Him in Court, is due to hit bookstores next week.

Juror number 53 said he "used to live next door to a guy who's brother's wife was a close friend of the pastry chef at Jackson's Neverland ranch in the early 1990s. Shortly after his dismissal juror 53 signed a book deal with St. Martin's press to write Soft on the Inside: Michael Jackson as Seen Up Close from across a Crowded Room.

Juror number 62 was challenged by the prosecution when she revealed that her son's best friend's older brother had spent the summer of 1995 on the topiary crew at Neverland. Although juror 62 does not have a book deal yet, she has been approached by The National Enquirer, which is looking for potential sources for an article entitled "The Ghost of Elvis Presley That Haunts Neverland."

Given the astonishing number of people with ties to Jackson and Neverland-people whose disabled daughters visited Neverland with their third grade classes, people whose uncles' estranged wives are close personal friends of Jackson's umbrella minders-the defense is considering a motion to outsource the jury function to New Delhi, India.

"We would welcome that opportunity, yes, hello," said Om Vindaloo, president of Broken English Technical Support, which currently handles calls for Microsoft, Verizon, McAfee, and the defense department.

In related news, Jackson said that although he has forgiven Corey Feldman for betraying their friendship, he still wants Feldman to return the monogrammed pajamas he stole from Neverland.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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