A consumer products giant announced today that they have restructured their feminine products division temporarily to go ahead with plans to produce the world's largest maxi-pads for use in helping remove the oil that is permeating the waters off the coast of Louisiana in the largest oil spill in U.S. history.
Bob Burr, the company vice-president in charge of research and development issued a statement saying "until further notice, our company will focus its full attention on producing giant, super-absorbent maxi-pads for the Gulf." Each of the pads are expected to measure approximately the size of a large Persian area rug, 11 x 17 feet. In order to produce the giant maxi-pads, the company has moved its operation to a large rental warehouse complex and will cease production of its normal-size pads until further notice so that all their available materials can be utilized in this effort.
Asked how they believe the giant maxi-pads will work, Burr stated that they will be incorporating the company's revolutionary triple lock-in odor and wetness patented pad cover into the design that will allow the maxi-pads to absorb much more of the oil spill than any other device being tried to date. The pad cover will also effectively prevent the trapped oil from leaking back into the ocean until it can be hauled aboard a tanker and be extracted for secondary use.
In addition to the giant maxi-pads being developed, the company is expected to have a prototype of the world's largest tampon ready for testing within a week. "Not only do we have plans on how to clean up the spill," said Burr, but we believe we may have the best hope for a solution on how to plug the leaks the oil is spilling from once and for all. All we need to figure out now is how to build a giant 'glide-in' applicator to push the tampon into the pipe."
Book of World Records officials are standing at the ready to measure the maxi-pads and tampons to verify that they are indeed the largest in the world. Said Burr, "our first and most important task is getting the leak cleaned up and plugged, but if we can get our name in the Guinness Book of World Records as a result of our involvement, well, that's just icing on the cake."