Written by Jerry Cornelium
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Topics: Hollywood, Baby

Friday, 11 February 2005

image for Clooney, O'Reilly Organize Celebrity Blanket Party for Baby-Tossers
One of the many celebrities who bid five grand a punch ...

HOLLYWOOD, CA --- Celebrity foes Bill O'Reilly and George Clooney have joined forces for a second time, as they announced a "Celebrity Blanket Party" for a Fort Lauderdale couple who tossed their newborn son out of a moving car earlier this morning. Clooney and O'Reilly have agreed to never mind whose idea is was or how the event will be organized, as long "as the job gets done," a spokesperson said. The former enemies even agreed to set aside their differences regarding who gets invited.

Clooney, who has organized numerous charity efforts, said the response from celebrities all over the country has been overwhelming.

"It's been phenomenal," he said. "From Eminem to Rush Limbaugh to Nicole Hilton to Mike Tyson, there is pretty much no one who doesn't want a piece of the action."

O'Reilly said that celebrities have pledged five thousand dollars per punch and more. The proceeds will go to the Center for Missing and Exploited Children.

Both organizers stated that it was their shock and sheer outrage that united them. Earlier today, a one-hour old infant boy had been thrown out of a moving car - by his own parents. Not satisfied with letting inertia and gravity do the job, the two placed a plastic bag over the baby's head and secured it tightly. It was by sheer luck and the quick action of an eyewitness that the infant survived.

The boy's parents remained at large at press time.

Both, Clooney and O'Reilly have appealed to members the public not to take matters into their own hands.

"Remember, there's a lot of money at stake, folks," O'Reilly said. "And it's all for a good cause."

Justice Department officials stated that it is contrary to stated policy to permit "vigilante actions of any sort," adding that with current homeland security issues the Federal Government simply doesn't have the time to investigate every "off the wall thing" Bill O'Reilly and George Clooney happen to say when they are mad.

Fort Lauderdale law enforcement have stated they will be happy to take the bay's yet unknown parents into custody, whether before or after the Celebrity Blanket Party.

Meanwhile celebs continue to bid for a chance to get their hands on the couple.

***

Right after press time, the self-proclaimed good samaritan admitted she hadn't rescued the baby, at all. Turns out, she's the mother. She was trying to come up with a good story for the welfare department, so she wouldn't have to raise the kid. O'Reilley and Clooney have said that they are glad to refund all moneys that have already been donated.

In related news, the former enemies yesterday told reporters they plan to marry by the end of next month.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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