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Thursday, 6 May 2010

image for Times Square Bomber Revealed: Peter Sellers!

An embarrassed Homeland Security Secretary, Janet Napolitano, appeared before the press this morning and admitted that the Homeland Security Department, the FBI, the NYPD, and agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives(ATF), were hoodwinked by the perpetrator of the Times Square bomb attempt.

As reporters snickered and a few laughed out loud, Ms. Napolitano admitted that the perpetrator was movie star legend, Peter Sellers and that the bomb attempt was nothing more than a publicity stunt to launch a new Pink Panther series featuring the bumbling inspector, Jacques Clouseau.

"This is not funny," said an angry Napolitano. "If this was a genuine attempt,it was thwarted immediately by the fine agents of Homeland Security, FBI, the NYPD, and the ATF. It was a testimony to the effectiveness of our system."

Mr. Sellers, speaking from jail, through his attorney issued the following statement: "This is a travesty, an injustice and,in fact,a testimony to the efficacy of the Pink Panther. I left a copy of my itinerary in the bomb car, a picture of myself, and free tickets to the grand opening of the movie. I set off the smoke canister, hailed a cab, and dropped bread crumbs out of the window of the cab all the way to JFK. I wore an Osama Bin Laden mask at the check in and when I got on the plane I changed to a large Pink Panther costume in the lavatory. I used another smoke bomb to make smoke coming out of the ears of the costume and returned to my seat in first class. When the crowd of agents stormed the plane,they ran past me and started at the back of the plane interrogating the passengers. When they finally got to me and saw the panther costume, they shot me with a tranquilizer gun and dragged me off the airplane. I thought it was a tat over the top."

Authorities say that Mr. Sellers is talking non-stop about the events leading up to the hoax.
He's got a lot to say," said one Interrogator, "and we are learning a lot. We have put Mr. Sellers on the No Fly List, and the entire department has tickets to the opening night of the movie. All in all, it has been a good day."

In other breaking news, BP Corporation has sent a giant concrete dome to the Gulf of Mexico to try to cover one of the three major oil spills. Leaked memos reveal that the company is calling the operation: Three Card Monte for America.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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