Written by Ryan McDermott
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Topics: War

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

image for A New Kind of Study Abroad Program
College-related

In recent news, Sam Smith, a junior and hipster at Doody University, will be joining the military and fighting in Iraq in order to get the emotional experience for the poetry collection he is working on.

When asked if he is proud to be serving his country Smith said, "Oh of course. Poetry is the greatest service anyone can give to their country."

According to a comment he made to reporters while posing for a picture he took of himself, "The University is just not giving me the kind of emotional depth I need. Digesting the cafeteria food is the closest thing that we have to a war here at the University."

He said that after his tour of Iraq he will make an ironic fashion line for hipsters who are imitating hipsters in order to pretend to not be hipsters. There is a novel in the works about this and there will be a movie version as well, which will star indie legend Joseph Gordon-Levitt who will play Smith, except much more handsomely. After the fashion line, he is planning on growing the world's largest muttonchops and writing a poem in their honor. After this he is going to lead a revolutionary coup in some obscure Latin American country while wearing his beret so he can be featured on thousands of indie hipster shirts like Che Guevara. He wants to achieve the fullest level of meta after this and lead a coup against himself. A poetry collection will follow after this.

Once he has achieved literary fame he said that he wants to live his remaining years in pure irony by being a conservative, Bible-thumping, gun carrying, fat Texan father of six who lives in a trailer park. His final novel will be about this experience. His most ambitious project, though, is something he won't have time for. He said that it would be super meta if an Doody University writer studied abroad at Doody University itself as a character from their forthcoming book of fiction.

Smith believes that his move to Iraq will change the way English majors think about their study abroad programs. Though, this doesn't mean this study abroad idea is the best idea for everyone. He warned his fellow Doody peers that, "it would be a waste though for an English major to go study abroad in a poor area because he or she will of course live in one after they graduate. Also, if a philosophy student wants to write about pure agony, pain, and boredom then they should just stay at Doody University."

He isn't enthused about everything though, according to a statement he made to friends at his fraternity. He stated that, "I don't think the military is going to let me wear my tight pants. But it is a sacrifice I must make for literature."

In a recent request he made to the Pulitzer Prize commission, he said that "he wants a Pulitzer Prize in advance," to give him the motivation to write something extraordinary. In addition to this, Smith stated that after the military cuts off his locks of hair, he will send them to the Smithsonian for "archiving a part of a future literary giant."

Colleges around the nation are following Smith's lead and introducing new study abroad programs. In a pact signed Wednesday, all Ivy League Universities announced that they would unveil similar study abroad programs. The President of Harvard stated that, "Business majors will go study abroad in an East Asian country to learn about who they are going to screw over in the future. Chemistry majors will study abroad in the North Pole to see it one final time before their future inventions exacerbate global warming all for the sake of profit. Finally, Philosophy majors will go study abroad in a cemetery so they can feel death and existential angst all the time."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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