Written by Tawdry Soup
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Topics: Oil

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Texas Governor Rick Perry, in a tawdry attempt to poison the jury pool when the lawsuits start flying over the BP oil spill, has announced the oil well blowout in the Gulf of Mexico is "an act of God," while sticking to his former position that gay people are an abomination.

"It is true," said Perry, "that an act of God is not covered by insurance policies and when it comes to a lawsuit, you can't sue anyone over an act of God, but that has nothing to do with my statement. I'm just saying that when big business screws up it is considered an act of God by Republicans because if you don't believe in letting big business destroy every fiber of your being, you are not a good Christian, or a good Republican."

To clarify his position, The Office of the Governor of the State of Texas has released a long list of things it considers Acts of God, and things considered an abomination.

Here are some highlights:

Acts of God:

  • Oil Well Blowout and Resulting Environmental Damage
  • Economic Meltdown Sponsored by Goldman Sachs
  • Rick Perry's Hair
  • Insurance Company Campaign Donations
  • Big Oil
  • George Bush President
  • Tort Reform to Protect Quack Doctors
  • Denying Health Insurance to Sick People
  • Gerrymandering
  • Forced Immunizations for Venereal Warts
  • Stealing DNA from Newborn Babies
  • Cheerleading
  • American Flag Hanging Out of Your Ass
  • Black Tie Dinners Paid for by Crooked Businessmen
  • 100 Dollar Bills
  • Death Penalty for Innocent People
  • Republicans
  • Whores


Abominations:

  • Mexicans
  • African-Americans
  • Gay People
  • Women
  • Anyone with an IQ over 75
  • Kay Bailey Hutchison
  • Marriage Equality
  • Legalization of Marijuana
  • Endangered Species Act
  • Democrats

Ed note: Whew! I'm glad we cleared that up.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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