Written by Guy Bellefonte
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Monday, 3 May 2010

image for Oil Slick: Burn Here, Burn Now

NEW ORLEANS - 2012 Republican presidential hopefuls Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin have altered their "Drill Here, Drill Now" slogan to the more relevant "Burn Here, Burn Now" in an attempt to capitalize on the media attention directed at the Louisiana oil spill.

"It's time for Americans to pull up their boot straps, hop in a row boat and ignite any oil they see in the Gulf before the Democrats outsource that task too, you betcha!" Palin told a bobble head crowd.

It is now estimated that over 5,000 barrels of sweet crude are pouring into the Gulf a day further making the case that drilling for oil is not an environmental hazard nor should we scrap any plans for future offshore drilling projects. In attempt to limit the damage, crews are setting the spill on fire leading local fire enthusiasts to claim the torching as "an arsonist's wet dream come true."

"If we start exploring alternative energy sources now, then the terrorists have truly won," Gingrich told Fox News.

"It's best to stay the course of drilling and burning our way out of this mess. If the tax raising environmental babies had their way, the ANWR region of Alaska would remain the largest natural wildlife refuge in the world providing no value to honest, hardworking Americans while that luscious oil is just sitting there begging to be drilled. This Louisiana hiccup is a great example that if things go bad, we can just light it all on fire and there would be no environmental impact."

In a show of support, Tea Party members have begun lighting small contained amounts of gasoline on fire as a way to help lower taxes?

On the Democrat side, things are starting to look promising too. Barack Obama, in an attempt to be all things to all people, was recently quoted:

So today we're announcing the expansion of offshore oil and gas exploration, but in ways that balance the need to harness domestic energy resources and the need to protect America's natural resources. Under the leadership of Secretary Salazar, we'll employ new technologies that reduce the impact of oil exploration. We'll protect areas that are vital to tourism, the environment, and our national security. And we'll be guided not by political ideology, but by scientific evidence.

That's why my administration will consider potential areas for development in the mid and south Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico, while studying and protecting sensitive areas in the Arctic. That's why we'll continue to support development of leased areas off the North Slope of Alaska, while protecting Alaska's Bristol Bay.

There will be those who strongly disagree with this decision, including those who say we should not open any new areas to drilling. But what I want to emphasize is that this announcement is part of a broader strategy that will move us from an economy that runs on fossil fuels and foreign oil to one that relies more on homegrown fuels and clean energy. And the only way this transition will succeed is if it strengthens our economy in the short term and the long run. To fail to recognize this reality would be a mistake.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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