PHOENIX - Governor Jan Brewer, 89, has stated that she is hereby cancelling all of Arizona's upcoming Cinco de Mayo celebration festivities and events including parades, block parties, low-rider shows, Eva Longoria-Parker Lookalike Pageants, frozen Margarita fiestas, frijole fandangos, enchilada-eating exhibits, tequila drinking contests, and weddings.
The governor speaking in English, but with a Spanish interpreter, said that she will not allow herself to get bullied around by the likes of President Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, comedian George Lopez, singer and belly dancer Shakira, Ricky "The New Queer On The Block" Martin, and the Texas based rock trio, Los Lonely Boys.
Governor Brewer added that she has the complete backing of her boyfriend, ah make that friend, Sheriff Joe "The Pink Panther" Arpaio of Maricopa County.
Sheriff Joey, as his gay prisoners refer to him, has an extremely strange deep-rooted fetish in that he makes all of his prisoners wear pink; pink shirts, pink pants, pink underwear, and even pink condoms. Even the sheriff's grandmother, Beulah Beth Arpaio, who tips the scales at 289, says that her grandson JoJo is about three pieces short of a bucket of chicken.
The sheriff has flat out stated that if he hears anyone either speaking Mexican (Spanish) or eating Mexican things like tamales, tacos, tortillas, or trout, he will have them arrested, placed in jail, and forced to eat cold expired Chinese food using chopsticks.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: To all of our fine, decent, upstanding Spanish speaking readers who reside in New Arizona let me just leave you with this timely advice...RUN HOMES RUN! ]