"Hey, it won't suck itself, honey" T-shirt vendor Buck Q. Dumbass, who noticed irate ticket-holders with smoke coming out of their ears hurriedly exiting a theater showing lame Hollywood release 'The Losers', alerted police to what turned out to be a cinematic bomb in the city's iconic Times Square - teeming with tasteless tourists on a sweaty spring evening.
"We avoided what could have been a deadly event," said NYC Lord Mayor Michael Ladies-Bloomers early Sunday morning. "It [the film] certainly could have continued screening indefinitely, producing an indecent amount of panic and potential explosive impact."
The atmosphere at Times Square cautiously returned to its normal stink on Sunday, but serious questions remain about the content and quality of DC Entertainment and Sylvain White's rip-off, the underacted and overhyped bomb 'The Losers'.
Two federal officials said Sunday it was too early to tell whether the cinematic crisis involved the infamous al Quaeda Film Grad sect or another TV&Film Terror group.
The acting, writing and directing "looked amateurish," Lord Mayor Ladies-Bloomers said.
The national theater threat level remains at piss-poor-yellow, or 'elevated'.
"We're taking this very seriously," Fatherland Security Secretary Napoleon VIII said in an interview on CNN's "State of the Union," noting that New York police not yet laid off, FBI dweebs and the Federal Joint Theater Terrorism Task Force were involved in the investigation.
"We're treating all showings of this film as potential terrorist attacks until further notice."
President O'biteme Obama, updated on the situation late Saturday night, said the federal government was prepared to provide full support in shutting down shitty cinema across the nation, encouraging entertainment-starved Americans to go home and watch shitty television shows instead.
Police hairdressers are combing and teasing surveillance camera footage to determine who left the reels rolling and fled after horrorstruck theater-goers began yelling, cursing and walking out about ten minutes into the film, shortly after 8 p.m. Saturday.
Dark Castle Entertainment suits and 'director' Sylvain White remain in hiding and unavailable for comment, but all have been temporarily placed on Fatherland Security's no-dick-no-fly list.
And the search continues for decent, original cinema in a land numbed and terrorized by The Hollywood Movie Machine.