Written by susan allen-rosario
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Topics: Police, New York

Wednesday, 9 February 2005

image for Vicious Cones Attack
What to do when cones attack!

New York, New York - A rash of unprovoked traffic cone attacks reported around the city baffles scientist and police in the city of New York. Reports are coming in from all over; they say .One man was nearly killed when a wild cone attacked his legs as he tried to cross a busy street. "We have no idea why this is happening," police said. "People are really scared."

Work crews have been hired to remove all the traffic cones placed around construction areas, but it has not been an easy task. "I tried to pick up a cone and the damn thing bit me," one cone remover reported. "They don't pay me enough to take this kind of abuse, they can have this job, I'm outta here!"

Police say that people need to realize that these cones are extremely dangerous and should not be approached without adequate protection and/or back up. "We will be filming these demonstrations for viewing on all local television channels."

Martial arts experts from the "Whu Flung Dung" studio in Brooklyn have crafted several smooth moves to help people protect themselves in the event of an attack. The demonstration video police are working on is called, "When Cones Attack!"

Whu Flung Dung expert, Fel Da Hert, tells us that there is no need to be afraid if you are prepared. "The first thing one must do is understand the enemy, this is the art of war, be aware of what you are up against, and become one with the cone," he said.

Scientists from the school, Sisters of the Suppositional Surrogates, say that they have not only studied the cone attacks, but other attacks from inanimate objects as well. "We received several calls about deranged bagels viciously attacking people in local coffee shops, and bake spuds jumping from plates into the laps of unsuspecting restaurant patrons, when condiments were applied to them."

"All I did was add a little butter and sour cream to my spud, and it jumped into my lap like a small dog," one customer reported.

Several theories have been proposed regarding the current reports, but none of them make any sense to "normal" people, scientists say. " Right now our money's on it being some kind of hoax, we have no other explanation."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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