Written by Mike Roberts
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Topics: Feminists, Submarine

Thursday, 29 April 2010

image for USA Female submariners okay - Feminists angry
"Grey is so dull, can't we paint them pink?" said one woman

Newly released plans to allow women to serve on board US submarines has produced outrage amongst feminist groups.

"While we agree that in general this is a good move, we are appalled at some of the overtly sexist suggestions that have been made by military commanders." said one angry woman.

The protesters were particularly incensed by the fact that women will still be barred from holding senior officer positions such as Captain and First Officer.

A Pentagon official explained why this ban was necessary.

"On ballistic submarines, authentication is required from two people before the weapons can be launched. This is part of the 'fail safe' system to prevent any one person, who may have a temporary mental instability, from releasing the nuclear payload."

"When women live together in the same place, their menstrual cycles synchronise. The possibility that this could result in nuclear missiles being under the control of two women both at 'the wrong time of the month' is just too great a risk."

A womens' rights activist, at the back of the room where the announcement was made, screamed "This is just typical of the misogynistic and bigoted behaviour of the military." She then broke down in tears before rushing off to the toilet, for the third time in 20 minutes. She returned a few minutes later and calmly asked, "Now, what were we talking about?"

The protesters also complained about the changes to the living quarters that had been suggested by the Navy's top brass. "We welcome the addition of 'sit down' toilets with pink, fluffy covers, but we are very angry that they haven't considered our other needs." said one woman,

Another agreed, "Nobody has considered the extra power requirements of hair dryers and a few 'finishing' touches, like cuddly teddy bears to hug at night, would be nice too."

The military were somewhat bemused by the outpourings but said they would try and address the concerns once the women had 'calmed down' and stopped acting like a bunch of 'moaning minnies'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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