Washington, DC--Effective with the next payroll cycle, all American employees who work for companies employing more than 50 people, and who are registered Democrats who voted for John Kerry, will no longer receive their paychecks as a "block grant." Instead, their paychecks will first go to Wall Street and, for a small administrative fee, be allocated to various accounts set up by each employee based on online advice from a financial advisor.
"We've modeled this visionary program on the Flexible Savings Accounts and Health Saving Accounts and Dependent Care Accounts that all Americans have access to," explained one high-ranking administration official. "We believe that employees placed in this program will soon learn to love and accept the President's plans to privatize Social Security by participating in a similar program with their paychecks."
The types of accounts will vary, but on the table for consideration include the Grocery Savings Account, the Mortgage Savings Account, the Rent Savings Account, the Utilities Savings Account, theTelephone and Cable Savings Account, and the Clothing and Cosmetics Savings Accounts.
Briefly, the program works thusly: at the beginning of the calendar year, each employee selects how much of each bi-weekly check to allocate to each account. Any money left in an account on December 31 is divided between the current chairman of the New York Stock Exchange and radio and television commentators who have agreed to promote the President's agenda.
In addition, Wall Street will deduct a very small fee (0.03% per paycheck) and provide online financial advice and occasional grocery coupons, tips on which cosmetics to buy, and suggestions for maximizing one's ability to purchase clothing at a discount.
"Americans need to take more responsibility for their own future," said another administration official. "It's foolish to give them a lump-sum check and allow them to spend it however they wish. They need to allocate certain percentages for certain goods and services, and if they voted Democratic in the last election, theyobviously aren't able to allocate on their own. For a very modest fee, Wall Street will allocate for them."
Republicans will not be affected by this new government program because, by voting for George W. Bush, they signified that they agree with his proposal to dismantle Social Security and build a whole new generation of impoverished elderly people living in shanties and eating cat food. However, those Republicans who have doubts about the President's plans concerning Social Security are free to join with the Democrats and participate in this program.
"I can't give you a date when the troops will withdraw from Iraq," explained President Bush, "but you see that when I want to be focused and work fast on a program of utmost value to this nation, I can implement it quickly."