Written by Phil Maggitti
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Saturday, 5 February 2005

image for Paul McCartney in Bra for Super Bowl Halftime Gig
"Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be . . ."

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - Sir Paul McCartney said he didn't mind a jot having to wear a bra during his Super Bowl halftime show. "We used to wear ‘em on stage now and again during our Hamburg club days," said the former Beatle. "But that was more than forty years ago, and I've gone up a few sizes since then."

The bra worn by McCartney was created by his daughter Stella, a noted fashion designer. "I call it the Yoko Ono because it separates so well," said Stella. "It really holds a man down."

The National Football League's Committee on Decency and Morals asked McCartney and the members of his band, The Yesterdays, to wear bras in order to prevent a repeat of last year's wardrobe malfunction in which a brief glimpse of Janet Jackson's right mammary appendage traumatized millions of preteen boys.

"It's devastating," said television psychologist Dr. Phil, "the number of young men still having nightmares a year after that tragic incident. We did a study last month in which we showed one group of young men pictures of Iraqi prisoners being tortured in Abu Ghraib prison. Then we showed replays of last year's Super Bowl halftime show to another group. That group scored significantly higher on tests measuring latent aggression, social maladjustment, and retarded consumer development."

At a packed news conference preceding the Super Bowl, McCartney refused to divulge the set list for the halftime show, which is sponsored by Fixodent, Depends, and Correctol with Stool Softener. He denied reports that his late wife Linda's voice would be added to the vocal mix via digital recordings. "As much as people loved her singing, we just have to move on," he said. McCartney did confirm that he still takes one of Linda's ponies with him when he tours.

McCartney's band warmed up for its Super Bowl appearance by playing a surprise acoustic set at the Sunrise Senior Center in Jacksonville. Despite the music being interrupted by frequent shouts of "I've got bingo," McCartney thought the set went well. "There wasn't a dry seat in the room," he laughed.

In related news, the National Football League met in an emergency session last night to approve a ban on breast feeding at all football games.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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