President Obama has announced that he has appointed General Boarding as the new director of Homeland Security.
"General Boarding has a great deal of experience in our nations's airports and is considered to be a popular choice over the other top contenders rows twelve to twenty-four and those travelling with small children or needing assistance."
"It was an easy choice to make, rows twelve to twenty were committed to going to Disneyland and those with small children or needing assistance were going with them so they were not really able to serve in any case."
"I am sure that all of you have heard of General Boarding but few of you have seen him."
"That is exactly the kind of man we need to lead our attack against terrorism."
"The Department of Homeland Security has only just begun to implement new measures to keep America safe."
"General Boarding says that the public should be made aware there is a real danger in airports for someone else reading your newspaper when you go to the washroom and that this practice is no longer safe. Under the guidance of General Boarding The Department of Homeland Security will be hiring new undercover officers to act as newspaper marshals to guard against any misuse of newspapers in the future."
"To offset this cost we have identified ways we can do things better with less manpower. From now on all carry-on luggage will have to be clear see-through vinyl to speed up security checks before boarding."
"The biggest improvement we plan on making will be to ban the practice of allowing terrorists to pose as taxi drivers at airports at all our major airports, I am not sure why we let this go on right under our noses for so long."
"General Boarding will commence his duties starting immediately."