WASHINGTON - During his State of the Union address, President Bush today detailed his radical plan for the revamping of the Social Security system.
"While I'm reducing Social Security benefits by 84% for all people currently under the age of 55," Bush told the nation earlier today, "I'm increasing welfare and food stamp benefits for them in their golden years to help make up the difference."
Before Bush's new Social Security plan was introduced, a current 50 year-old U.S. worker who makes $20,000 a year could expect to reap almost $600 per month in Social Security benefits when he or she reaches retirement age, but now all workers who are under 55 years-old when the new Social Security plan goes into effect can expect to draw "about eighty bucks per month in benefits," Bush explained.
However, President Bush was quick to add that because the majority of these future retirees will need additional resources for food and lodging, the welfare and food stamp benefits available to them will be raised a full .0012 percent.
"Now that's good news," said recent Republican voter Latona Babquist, a 51 year-old hospitality worker at New York City's Ritz-Carlton hotel, and currently earning $17,000 per annum. "I'm sure that President Bush is doing this so he'll have the extra funds for the mid-east Christian Crusades, and enough money to rid America of those nasty homosexual marriages. I thank God every day that I voted for that man."
Other highlights from Bush's State of the Union address:
On Social Security: "True Republicans are the very rich elite while Democrats, with the exception of politicians and celebrities, have always been severely financially-challenged and dumber than a box of rocks. Since we Republicans raise our children with the best education and knowledge of proper self-investment, we --the voting majority-- won't miss any reduction of the already paltry benefits that Social Security offers. And this way, we get to keep even more of our money!"
On Democracy: "The idea that the American people actually have some say in the workings of our political system is the great American lie. We, the people of the United States, constitute a republic! It's about time we started acting like one!"
On National Health Care: "Health care coverage in this nation can be fixed with one simple action: 'Don't get sick, people!'"
On Tax Breaks for the Rich: "Bring 'em on!"
I mean, really," Bush added in closing, "people planning to live decently on their Social Security benefits have their heads in the sand. But since they are already bent over in that position, it'll be a lot easier to deliver them my initiatives with one quick shove."