Written by Kevin Scrantz
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Tuesday, 1 February 2005

image for Hillary Clinton Collapses, Conspiracy Blamed
"Is it hot in here?"

(Rotters) -- Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton collapsed under the weight of her own monumental sense of self-importance during a luncheon speech Monday in upstate New York.

Clinton, 57, was speaking at the Jupiter Club in Buffalo, said club hatcheck person Monica Lewinsky, who greeted the senator with a warm hug upon her arrival.

"She said she wasn't feeling too good and looked horrible," Lewinsky said. "She stumbled when she was stepping up to the podium and everybody thought she was just tripping over one of her lies."

"She said she was going to sit and talk," Lewinsky continued, "and took the microphone."

According to attendees, Clinton then remarked, "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" before she removed the jacket of her sleeveless black coveralls.

Upon her return, at about 12:15 p.m., the senator fainted as her staff explained there would be no television cameras filming the event.

Lewinsky heard the senator gasp "What?!" in shocked disbelief, then crumple at the podium.

Her Secret Service agents promptly surrounded the former first lady, and ten people broke her fall. An unidentified agent pinned under the senator's formidable posterior was later airlifted to a local hospital where he underwent emergency surgery for a fractured spine.

A special crane normally used to transport The View hostess Star Jones Reynolds to speaking engagements had to be brought in to lift the unconscious senator to her feet.

Among the attendees at the event was Dr. Betty Boop, a leading specialist in gastric disorders, who initially diagnosed the senator's condition as "a common 24 hour bug that causes the runs," and recommended she have plenty of bananas and bottled water, then retracted her diagnosis when she realized a lack of television cameras was the problem.

By the time of Clinton's arrival at the luncheon, shortly after noon, most of the approximately 25 attendees -- who had paid $19.99 apiece for their day-old crab cakes and a choice of Jack Daniels or Gordon's gin for beverages -- had already eaten, Lewinsky said.

Clinton only regained consciousness after a television camera was brought in and the light trained directly on her face. She blamed her fainting on "flu, food poisoning, a vast right-wing conspiracy, or all three."

Alvin Snipes, the junior senator's press secretary, remarked Clinton had been feeling "out of sorts" after seeing the amount of coverage her husband, former President Bill Clinton, has received raising money for tsunami victims, but predicted Mrs. Clinton would feel "much better within the next 24 to 48 hours, just as soon as she sees her name in headlines again."

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