Written by Ben Salz
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Topics: Politics, GOP

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Don't let the "R" by his name fool you, Charlie Crist is not your typical Republican. The Florida Governor does not tow the Republican Party line and expects to face a considerable backlash as he runs against the Tea Party's "Boy Wonder", Marco Rubio, for the U.S. Senate.

Crist has even recently considered running as an Independent after waking up one morning to find the severed head of an elephant under his bedsheets. Was this the Tea Party's retribution for his support of President Obama's stimulus bill or had he forgotten his wife's birthday?

Without a doubt, Republican leaders were angered by Crist's support of the stimulus bill as they had already directed aides to begin constructing shanties near their estates they were going to call "Obamavilles". GOP leaders wanted Obama and Democrats to be blamed for a severe depression and this was one of several tactics recommended by their double secret chief strategist, Karl Rove. Rove's other ideas were no longer legal due to the recent changes in U.S. policy regarding torture.

In his latest act of defiance, Governor Crist vetoed an education bill aimed at ridding Florida of "poor peforming public schools" (i.e. public schools located in poor areas) and instead funneling education dollars to private/religious schools by way of school vouchers. The vouchers would allow kids from poor schools to attend richer schools and potentially earn them jobs as cafeteria workers or janitors.

Republican leaders also believe that the sight of these poor kids would help make the rich kids realize how it sucks to be poor and unwanted (by the Republican Party). As a result, rich kids would be encouraged to study harder, spur innovation, and most importantly, maintain their inherited wealth and power.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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